Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
