Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
