Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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