this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
