I wish I could teleport
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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