I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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