maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize