When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
