Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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