Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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