I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
