u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
