i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize