So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
