my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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