listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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