The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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