Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I am mentally ready for anal.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
