vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize