I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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