I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
