Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
