they said they heard you say put it in my butt
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
