I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize