You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
