Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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