VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
