My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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