There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Randomize
