And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
