What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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