Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
