Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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