I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
