dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
