I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
