He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
