DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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