dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
