I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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