I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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