I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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