he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
