life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
