dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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