she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
