I must be too annoying 4 u.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
