what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
