i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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