He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
