Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
