drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
