the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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