I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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