Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
