why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
i need some magic done to my vagina
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
