just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
