so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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