Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
