he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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