dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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