When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
